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Pondering Marriage.....

I've had so many people tell me that getting married is going to "make a changes you don't even expect" that I'm starting to wonder....is it really going to change things about our relationship?

I freely admit that I'm a very lucky girl. John is one of the most even-tempered, down-to-earth, geeky boys I've ever met. He's a genuninely nice guy (and probably going to be embarassed that I say so), and I love him lots and lots.

But is getting married going to change the fundamental nature of our relationship? I really don't think so. We've lived together for several years, we're pretty sure of each others' foibles and habits, our finances are open books to each other. Other than becoming Mrs. Safranek, I don't know what else would change.

I know that I'm nesting, but I think that just has to do with having our new house. I like the fact that it's our house, and that we live there, and we never have to worry about the landlord deciding to sell it because property values have gone up. I love that we roam Home Depot saying "this would be cool" and that we have plans in our head for a hot tub on the back patio. I love John's patient look when I announce a new plan for the front yard (and his wisdom in not getting out the shovel until I'm certain.) I think, in a lot of ways, that was a bigger change to our relationship than getting married. We made a huge commitment to ourselves and each other by getting the house. I still sometimes just want to twirl in the living room and chant "mine, mine, mine (which is really ours, ours, ours, but it's really the same thing!). We're learning that we can do repair and remodel projects together without killing each other. We learned that Venetian Red takes way too many coats to cover, but that it's totally worth it.

I know that I'm excited about the wedding, because it's going to be fun, and happy and a party with friends and family. I'm probably more excited about it than I expected to be, but it's all fun. I'm looking forward to coming home afterward and nesting even more---because if my plans pan out, we'll have most of the painting and new floors done by then, and can come home and simply be. (for a month or so, until it's time to redo the front hill!).

So what of it? Did getting married really change you?
Did it change the way in which others viewed you, even if you'd been in a long-term relationship with the same person?


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 27th, 2005 06:27 pm (UTC)
I don't think getting married changed things for pstscrpt and I at all. For one things, we'd been living together (and sharing finances) for years. We had a kid together. And we'd even bought a house together (a few weeks before the wedding, but still). Even now, over seven years later, I don't feel much difference in our relationship than from before we were married. At least nothing more than the normal changes that occur over time. But it did make a significant difference in how certain family members treated us, because we were no longer living in sin. But that's what I get for being related to Christian fundamentalists. Heh.
Sep. 27th, 2005 06:35 pm (UTC)
I've been married 3 x and it only changed things once. The time when it changed was that he basically seemed to decide subconsciously that he had me now, and could safely ignore me therefore. Not completely, but I did feel a shift in attitude, though I did not think my own attitude had changed. The other two times, no, it did not change things, for better or for worse, that I coudl tell. Pun Intended. :)
Sep. 27th, 2005 08:22 pm (UTC)
Marriage made us resolve these two issues which we had otherwise been avoiding: 1) shared finances and 2) where we were going to live (I was happy in the Bay Area, he wanted to live in WA).

We handled the shared finances hurdle much more easily than the where we wanted to live hurdle. However, you'll note that we now live in WA :) It's still not permanent, and we may have to discuss that one again in another three years when we start thinking about upgrading the house, but otherwise, no. It was just like living together.
Sep. 27th, 2005 09:45 pm (UTC)
Strange side-note
It's not nearly the same thing, but people took me much more seriously when I was dating Brad (a bazillion years ago), or even with Chris (only a lifetime ago). My bosses/coworkers/family/etc thought I was less of a threat or more of a person when I was involved in a longer-term relationship.

Now, I'm that annoying, wild, crazy, single, bitchy child who is out to ruin everyone's (including her own) life...nevermind that I'm really not wild and crazy and I am (mostly) happy.

It's all about what you make out of it though. If you and John already feel the strong committment, a piece of paper won't do much more than legally recognize your union.

I'm still super happy for you, and excited to be allowed to be there for the occasion!
Sep. 28th, 2005 01:26 am (UTC)
Buyer Beware


After watching my mother go through multible marrages and being on my second one myself my experiance says that putting a ring on a finger flips a switch and everything changes. But, hey, I'm naturally disfunctional so take this post with the appropriate grain of salt.
Sep. 28th, 2005 03:18 am (UTC)
I got the same "advice" you did...and felt the same way. We didn't live together until after we were engaged, and we had "only" been dating a couple of years, so I think we probably had even more potential for an upheaval of sorts. Did it actually change? No. In fact, Todd and I had discussed that before and after the wedding. "Um, so, we keep hearing this is going to change things in ways we won't even expect and it'll feel SOOO different." *cut to after wedding, like a couple months* "Um, so, where's all this differentness we keep hearing about?"

It did smack me upside the head about a year later when I realized that not only was I now L. Linderman, I was *Mrs.* Linderman. Only the being a Mrs. made me blink.

We also heard that weddings were stressful and we wouldn't remember anything about it and there would be lots of drama. Bzzzt. None of the above, thanks. I don't know if it changed how others view me or not, because for the most part, I don't give a rat's butt. It doesn't seem to have. Being a parent has changed how some of Todd's friends and family view me and seem to expect me to behave (and my not conforming to that has thrown a few of them way off kilter) but the marriage part, not so much.
Sep. 28th, 2005 06:05 am (UTC)
(I just sent you email about my prezzie!)

It's hard for me to remember exactly. Our wedding was almost ten years ago, although we'd been together for two years before that. But I don't think marriage changed us. I think WE changed, over time, but that's bound to happen when you get married to someone you met when you were 18. :)

I love being married, I always have. I always felt like this was how it is supposed to be.

I really wanted to have a big, eloquent answer for you, but I'm tired. :)
Sep. 28th, 2005 03:39 pm (UTC)
Yes and no, and no.
Did getting married really change us? A little. I do feel like there's been a subtle shift in our relationship, like I'm a little more strongly connected to The Man (and relatively, a little less strongly connected to my friends) than I was before. I know that sometimes people have certain expectations of what it means to be/have a "wife" or "husband". We talked about that some before the wedding, and I think it's good that we had that conversation, even though it was pretty uneventful for us. "So, do you want things to change or expect me to do different things once we're married?" "Nope, you?" "Nope." :)

Did it change the way others viewed us? Not that I can tell. To our friends, it's all the same I think. And my family doesn't seem to care. My parents are ex-hippies, so I don't think married vs. living in sin was a big deal to them.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )